Motivation
I wasted a lot of years hoping ‘motivation’ would stick around. I began succeeding only when I realized it never had, and probably never would.
I put tools in place to make it as easy as possible to put in the work even when motivation was absent. [See Note 1]
I went looking for everything in the gym that was FUN to do, and did more of it. [Note 2]
I admitted how self-competitive I am, and that I was often tempted to work harder just to piss off the voices in my head that said I couldn’t. [Note 3]
I accepted my tendency to laziness, forgave myself for it, and then said “Great … now that I don’t beat myself up for being human, can I be a slightly harder working human today?” [Note 4]
I reminded myself of all the days when I didn’t want to work out that had turned into excellent days (in or out of the gym). [Note 5]
It was a whole bunch of things, and while they might fit a very complex definition of ‘motivation’, it’s not what most people mean by that word.
Maybe we should all learn to accept that motivation comes and goes, and isn’t nearly as simple or linear as we imagine.
I dedicated myself to ‘getting back to some kind of workout regime’ on December 21st, 2012 … the winter solstice. And because winter had always been the season when my previous short-lived gym habits had fizzled … too cold, too dark, too depressed, don’t want to be sweaty in the bad weather, etc etc … one of the first things I did was buy some resistance tubes I could keep right in my bedroom. Also found all my old dumbbells (not a large set, in those days) and relocated them there too. Oh, you don’t want to go anywhere to work out? YOU DON’T HAVE TO. The actual ‘gym’ habit took hold later in January and February, when I got frustrated by my lack of knowledge about how to do more with that equipment … but the equipment was always there for me if my desire to hit the gym faded. It still is: those resistance tubes are in my workout room as I write this.
I used to see people laugh/joke about people who go to the gym just to engage in ‘fuck-around-itis’: no real routine, no plan, just doing what they liked when they liked it. Let me tell you: I did a LOT of fuckarounditis in the early days. Who gives a shit? I was in the gym, every dumb workout I did was more than I had done before. Slowly, I also built up some actual knowledge of how to train for longer-term goals, but I will never EVER laugh at anyone who goes to the gym just to have a good time and move their body around, at least as long as they don’t hog equipment.
I must have thought about a particular ex, who when we were together seemed disappointed by my lack of enthusiasm for going on bike rides (relative to his high enthusiasm), *on every single bike ride for two or three years*. And that was a LOT of bike rides. The bug bit him sooner than it did me, and to him that came across as me being reluctant or lazy. He didn’t say it in so many words (and of course, I could be wrong about how he felt), but it was a pretty strong feeling between us, and I took it hard. So during those first couple of seasons when I discovered my own passion for riding, I worked out some HUGE feelings about ‘oh, okay, all you people who doubted me: eat my dust’. It wasn’t the most ‘positive’ attitude one can apply, but I made that monster in my head work hard for me. It got me through some tough workouts I might not have challenged myself with, if I had lacked that particular spur. Whatever it takes, baby.
I don’t think I can overemphasize the power of embracing your human frailty, accepting it, loving yourself for it, forgiving it … and then going ahead and doing whatever you CAN accomplish. I also hesitate to imply that it’s at all an easy mindset to practice: if it were easy, I wouldn’t have been on the cusp of 50 years old before it ‘clicked’ for me. So the last thing I want anyone to read in this is some kind of pressure to perform. Paradoxically, it was relieving myself of a lot of that internalized pressure that allowed me to perform, and I fully understand how counterintuitive that feels. Just know that sometimes you can work yourself into it.
I cheerlead the hell out of myself. I’m constantly trying to trick myself into little dopamine hits of self-affirmation. Look: life is hard enough without piling on ourselves, and I have strong tendencies to depression. I might as well highlight my successes, because my brain will sure as shit have its days when it reminds me of my failures or mistakes or even things I have pointless guilt about. How pointless is pointless? How about that time I lied to my Mom in second grade about when Christmas Break started l, so I could be home a single day earlier than real vacation … and then felt guilty about it for DECADES. (LOL. I’m not joking. I don’t think I confessed until I was in my late thirties, and not surprisingly she didn’t even know what I was talking about.) I have a shit-ton of weird things like that, and others that are far more consequential that I can still have feelings about eons later. So: I talk myself up. It’s sometimes tough to recall the track record of my little wins and successes, but I do have them. I imagine you do too … I think most of us do. But we don’t always treat ourselves well enough about them. It’s okay to celebrate yourself. I won’t tell!
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Disclaimer: Ideas expressed in this blog post should not be construed as official advice on how to safely perform fitness activities. Always consult with your doctor and other medical professionals as necessary, before engaging in exercise.